Author: Mosh Note: You may not archive, re-post, or alter any of my stories without my permission. Please contact me first. Thanks! |
O N E Ritsuka was so used to his mother’s paranoia and all the tricks she sprang to catch him out, that when she did show him genuine affection he didn’t know how to handle it. Wrapped in her arms with her breath ruffling his hair and ears like a sweet summer breeze, often Ritsuka wanted to squeeze her so tightly she would never lose herself again.
T W O Yuiko’s laugh was highly addictive. When she really got going, doubled over and giggling into her hands, Ritsuka felt a thrill of happiness. Over time, he gradually learned to laugh like that too.
T H R E E When Rituska used to fall asleep beside Seimei, his dreams were always pleasant - light colours, warm presences, a sense of cotton comfort and happiness. He would sometimes half-wake and find himself being carried upstairs and placed beneath the covers, kisses goodnight dropped softly on his forehead or nose, sometimes mouth, as the blankets were drawn up around his chin.Now, Ritsuka wakes from black and white dreams painted at odd angles, leaving him feeling unnerved. But sometimes he will hear his mother mumbling to herself in the next room, saying all manner of terrible things about him. It is then that Ritsuka is reminded there are worse things than bad dreams.
F O U R Ritsuka touches his ears all the time: in the morning when he brushes his hair before school. In the evening when he undresses for his bath. Or when he’s anxious and repeatedly runs his fingers through his hair. But never do they feel so sensitive as when Soubi strokes them, or gently pinches them, or kisses them wistfully as if he laments the loss of his own.
F I V E At twelve years old Ritsuka didn’t think he’d ever get used to kisses. Kisses implied too much. Things he wasn’t sure Soubi really felt. To Ritsuka, kisses weren’t something to be given away lightly. The day he kissed Soubi first was the day Ritsuka realised he couldn’t live without him.
S I X Fifteen and Ritsuka was still waiting for his growth spurt to kick in. At his age, Seimei had been at least a foot and a half taller, so Ritsuka couldn’t understand why it wasn’t happening for him. As much as he liked the way he could be drawn into Soubi’s arms and his head would slot neatly and comfortably under his chin, Ritsuka had always wanted to be tall like his brother.
S E V E N His mother was having another one of her bad spells. Plates were smashing against the kitchen walls downstairs, doors were slamming. Ritsuka, fearing getting in her path, did what Seimei had told him once: he pulled on his winter coat and mittens and snuck out of the house. He wandered into town, leaving tracks as he trod the fine layer of snow that had fallen earlier than afternoon. Ritsuka ambled aimlessly up and down the brightly lit streets until he came to a cinema, where he stopped to read the poster display outside. It began to snow quite badly, thick milky flakes pouring down from the grey, sullen sky above. The lights within the cinema were golden and bright, warm and inviting. Ritsuka pushed through the doors and went inside. He had been sitting on one of the benches for little over fifteen minutes before an usherette approached him and asked him how old he was. When Ritsuka told her she smiled at him, and he was struck by how pretty she was, how much she resembled his mother (back when he’d seen a photo of her in her youth). The usherette looked apologetic as she told him she couldn’t allow him to sit there all evening, or she’d get in trouble with her manager. But wait a moment, she added, they were re-running Gojira for the Classic Movie week and for 1100 yen he could catch the next showing. It was that or trudge home in the blizzard outside, Ritsuka realised, and since his curfew wasn’t for a few hours he decided what the hell. He paid up, and followed the pretty usherette into the theatre. The next afternoon Ritsuka dropped his school satchel off at home and walked into town again, to the cinema from the day before. The same usherette was there, and when she smiled Ritsuka felt an odd ache in his chest for something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He went every day for a month, using up all his pocket money on the late afternoon re-runs of old Japanese classics. The theatre was large and dark and the faint click-click-click of the projector above was relaxing. Staring at the huge flickering screen, Ritsuka didn’t need to think or worry about anything except whether his popcorn was about to run out, or if he needed to get a refill of Coke. Then the day came when Ritsuka entered the cinema only to learn his favourite usherette had been sacked from her job. Ritsuka’s heart had plummeted, and with slack shoulders he had trudged his way home, no longer in the mood to watch a film. When he got back, his mother slapped him across the cheek for not telling her where he was going, even though he was certain he’d mentioned it before he’d left the house earlier. From that day on, Ritsuka never visited the cinema again.
E I G H T It’s very late and the house is still and silent. Ritsuka waits to make sure his mother is asleep before sneaking to the bathroom to stand in front of the mirror above the sink. He stares at his reflection intently, trying to find the Loveless boy Soubi says he is.“Loveless,” he whispers into the dim light, letting the word brush slowly across his tongue. It tastes foreign. He frowns. Although he knows he’s not the Aoyagi Ritsuka he was two years ago, he also knows he’s not simply ‘Loveless’.
N I N E Seimei’s room hadn’t been touched since he died. Ritsuka’s mother insisted nothing be changed so it was ready for when Seimei returned. Ritsuka was certain that if his mum found out he sometimes snuck in there and curled up beneath the duvet - breathing in deeply to see if he could still catch the lingering scent of Seimei - she would go berserk.
T E N The most mortifying thing about being around Soubi was that he was very physical. Ritsuka’s first sexual experiences had been at the hands of Soubi, though he doubted Soubi had known it at the time. The intensity of a spell battle mixed with the adrenaline rush mixed with being fourteen mixed with Soubi’s large, strong hands had left Ritsuka hard and aching and confused countless times. The day Soubi refused to let him go after a particularly heavy spell battle in which Ritsuka had been bound tightly, Ritsuka learned that Soubi reacted to those situations just like he did. What he’d felt pressing into his stomach as Soubi held him close had both shocked and excited him, making him harder still and more flustered than ever. He also learned that when Soubi relieved him, hands stroking him smoothly under the cover of his jeans and underwear, it felt a million times more pleasurable than when he did it himself at home.
E L E V E N When Soubi starting preparing him that first time, Ritsuka didn’t know what to expect. Certainly not the violent waves of pleasure combined with the pangs of discomfort, confusing his senses and making his back arch and toes curl. He had been greatly anticipating losing his ears. Soubi and he had waited this long - until Ritsuka was sixteen. Before, they had only indulged in heated kisses and touches in dark alleys, or the park under the trees, or in the quiet of Ritsuka’s room at night. When Soubi pulled Ritsuka back against him and dropped a kiss on Ritsuka’s shoulder to indicate it was time, Ritsuka tensed and squeezed his eyes shut. And although Soubi was slow, careful and restrained, boy did that first time hurt. Looking back, Ritsuka wouldn’t have given his ears to anyone else in the world. And after a little while and some whispered reassurance, he had started to push back against Soubi’s thrusts.
T W E L V E He hadn’t been able to persuade Soubi to quit smoking. Things only got worse when his mum took up the habit shortly after his dad left, smoking first five, then ten, then twenty a day in the house so that everything smelled stale and musty when Ritsuka returned home from school. Ritsuka really hated the scent of cigarettes. It was even worse tasting it - on Soubi’s kisses, ashy and bitter; on his mother’s clothes, smothering him whenever she was in the mood to give him cuddles. Yayoi brought a thin white stick out of his pocket one afternoon on their way home from school, and Ritsuka immediately stopped in his tracks when he realised what it was. It looked like he’d stolen the cigarette in haste, as it was all crumpled and bent and tobacco was spilling out of the end. When Ritsuka asked the other boy what the hell he was doing, Yayoi simply replied that everyone else was doing it, do why shouldn’t they try?“If everyone else decided to jump off a skyscraper would you do it, too?” Ritsuka said angrily, snatching the cigarette out of Yayoi’s hand and throwing it to the ground where he proceeded to stomp on it. Yayoi was staring at him with a mixture of fear and shame. “N-no, Aoyagi-san… I just…” “Che,” Ritsuka muttered, rolling his eyes and walking on ahead. He might not be able to stop his mother or Soubi from smoking, but he was determined to prevent his friends from getting hooked on it.
T H I R T E E N After a while, Ritsuka stopped drawing the curtains in his bedroom so he could lie in bed at night and watch for Soubi’s arrival. One thing that had always chagrined him was how Soubi enjoyed sneaking up on him, and he was determined not to get caught out again.
F O U R T E E N Ritsuka still has the polaroids of the rare Iriomote Mountain Cat that Soubi took for him on his orders all those years ago. They’ve been through so much together since that day. That was the day Ritsuka started to truly believe Soubi would do anything and everything for him. It was also the day Ritsuka started to fall in love, even though he couldn’t admit it to himself at the time.
F I F T E E N The day came when Ritsuka’s father knocked on his bedroom door and said he had something very important to talk to Ritsuka about. Ritsuka already knew what was coming, but he sat quietly on his bed with his knees drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around them and head lowered as his father spoke. Afterwards, he desperately wanted to call Soubi, but he forced himself to go downstairs to console his mother. She slapped him across the face and blamed him for his father walking out on them, blamed him for not being who he should be, before clutching Ritsuka tightly and sobbing into his hair.
S I X T E E N On the night of the school gala, Ritsuka surprised his classmates with his grace and poise on the dance floor. Yuiko was beside herself as he spun her around and then drew her close, leading with direction and confidence, measured fluidity. “I never knew, Ritsuka-kun! I had no idea you could dance like this! Why didn’t you say something?” Ritsuka merely smiled and twirled her faster across the floor, thinking back over the last couple of weeks. All those times in the park at night, pressed up against Soubi as he taught Ritsuka the steps one by one and kissed his nerves away.
S E V E N T E E N Ritsuka often wondered what Soubi would do if he had to choose between Ritsuka and Seimei, were Seimei still alive. On the one hand, he would want his brother and Soubi to be happy together. On the other, he wouldn’t want to go back to feeling lonely again if all their time was spent with each other. Their “names” might not match up and the older man might irritate him beyond words at times, but Ritsuka felt closer to Soubi than anyone else he knew.
E I G H T E E N Ritsuka hadn’t known what to make of Yayoi the first time they’d met, but after a while they had struck up something like a friendship. Yayoi often asked Ritsuka for advice about girls. Well, more specifically about one girl: Yuiko. Ritsuka would always shrug and tell the other boy that he should just go for it if he really wanted her, but deep down Ritsuka felt completely out of his depth. He had realised very early on he wasn’t at all interested in romantic relationships with girls. He often wondered if he ever would be.
N I N E T E E N “Love” was just a word to Ritsuka. Its meaning had become watered and untruthful over time. There was that sharp, painful “Love” his mother gave him. There was the inconsistent “Love” his father gave him, whenever he was around.When people said “Love” to him, or around him, it just confused him, upset him. He couldn’t understand how a simple word could convey the feelings he had come to know - feelings that hurt as much as cherished, that pulled and ached as much as gave him hope and happiness. People threw the word “Love” around far too freely, Ritsuka decided.No, when the time came and if his feelings were strong enough he would think of some other way to convey “Love”. He wasn’t sure how, but he resolved that it would be something different, meaningful… When Ritsuka handed Soubi the silver ear studs he’d picked up in town to replace Soubi’s missing butterfly earrings, Soubi accepted them graciously. He dropped a kiss on Ritsuka’s forehead, and turned to the mirror to put them on. Blushing furiously, Ritsuka realised the entire meaning of the gift had gone right over Soubi’s head, that he had failed. Until Soubi turned back, staring down at him with a strange, warm expression that said it all. And this time - this time - Ritsuka could believe in “Love”, and believe he was not entirely “Loveless”.
T W E N T Y There had been an inexplicable coldness in the house after Seimei died. It had moved in and taken up residence in every room, every nook and cranny. Every morning Ritsuka would wake up, pad down the hall and adjust the thermostat so the house would warm. At night he often wore an extra t-shirt to sleep because his duvet just wasn’t enough to keep the shivers at bay. Things had been different the first time Soubi stayed all night. Lying closely beside Soubi in his too-small bed, Ritsuka found the warmth that had been lacking - the warmth of another body against his, the strong arms wrapped protectively around him, the feather light lick of Soubi’s breath ruffling his hair. The feeling of being wanted, liked. His room - the house itself - seemed transformed, somewhere he could be content. The cold had finally disappeared. ~Fin~ |
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